Strength through awakening

Touching my forehead I breathe “In the name of the Father.” And my right hand brushes my breastbone “In the name of the son.” Moving mechanically to my left shoulder “And the holy” and on a sigh “spirit, Amen.” Then and only then is there release.

Oh my dear Jesus. Forgive my sins, there are so many. And I’m not worthy of your healing but it is what I long for most in this world.

Honor me with patience. Grace me with love on the hard days of life. Please, grant me release for my children who need me to be whole.
…

It is too dark to see inside my bottomless pit of emotion. I try sometimes, but then I am free falling in self doubt, spiraling out of control. It is something that is not tolerated much anymore. When it does happen I count on the Lord to help pull me out.  

I’m a girl who enjoys the now. Living in the past is not an option and the ambiguous future, just beyond my grasp, is much like the boundless well- full of swallowing shadows.

My sons are growing up so fast and right before my eyes. It feels so cliché.  I’ve heard pieces of advice from mothers who know; who have experienced what I’m experiencing now. You’ve heard them, too for they are universal expressions of life. Time flies, making a home is what we all aim for; it is the real American dream.

Being a mother means having hope that outlives all the disappointments in life.

I always think twice. I think once for myself and then again for my children. Any decision that I make affects them. That alone is so profound. It is this thing that is as deep as the ocean, sometimes I feel like a casted stone, but mostly I’m at peace with the tides of the moon. Strong pulls move my sea-beaten-heart within the abysmal currents of movement, leaving me to toss and turn with possibility. Small pushes are much like phases. They come and go.

Then there are days like this.

Where I wake with negativity. And I can’t seem to shake myself out of it. My mind collects a gathered fist with every biting word that comes out of my mouth. I feel my elevated pressure in my throat, and I choke on the emptiness I feel the minute the poison seeps out.

I’m not perfect.

And since I’m mostly with my children they get stung with my negativity.

Where is the balm?

There is this stinging sensation that arrests my nose right before tears well in my eyes. If I pinch it hard enough with a positive thought I can push back the emotion, but if I relax even  just a little the tears flow free. I know that if I cry that it will feel better momentarily.


...

Today I cried.

The frustrations of pent up life impressions have collectively pushed me to the edge of the well. I cried for the shadows that swallowed me. I cried for the sadness I caused with words I used. I cried because I needed help with the tides of time.

I am not lost at sea. My children, my God, and my husband secure me. They anchor me. I will not fall over into that well. I will not swim out too far into despair.

Release is talking to our Father, who created in me- a mother.

The very second that my first child was born, I was born again as well. I existed before, but only a shell, and this someone new- I will always be from now on. It is a high honor. It is a full time job. It is something that I take seriously.

Amidst the suffocating shadows that live and breathe in quiet corners, coming out on those days, I am alive. I am awake. I am a new dawn created by God the father who loves me and presses me to do the same with my decisions for my very own life, my children- my everything.

...


A note-

 This piece was inspired by the prompt awakening given by a Writing Circles facilitator. It was gently criticized and praised in preparation for publication.

Writing Circles is a group of three to five writers that come together via Skype with add of Google Docs to share a written piece in a specific genre. 

There are 3 new dates that have been announced with more on the way. It is an excellent resource and tool for authors to get input on their writing style and voice.


New dates:

• Monday June 4th 7:30 p.m. CST Memoir, Hosted by Hyacynth from Undercover Mother
• Friday June 15 8:30 p.m. CST Fiction – Short Story, Hosted by Jade Keller from Tasting Grace
• Sunday  July 22 8:00 p.m. CST Genre TBA, Hosted by Melissa from Peanut Butter in my Hair

Goodbye May... Hello summer!

The end of May brings remembrance. It brings honor. It brings grace and unending love.

And if we're lucky it brings fun.

...

SHARE!

A simple word.

A picture.

A poem.

prose

list

LIVE!

to the fullest,

reflect on your

blessings.

CAPTURE!

each lingering moment,

harvest them

and 

Share them.

 & 

Encourage Others.

That is what Bigger Picture Moments is all about.

...

Link up with Jade today! 

Please be sure to link to your post, not your blog. Your post must link back here or have our button in your post or the link will be deleted.

The Adventure List

1. I've played the banjo.
2. I've been serenaded over the phone.
3. I've held a garage sale.
4. I've eaten lunch with Dominican Sisters in the motherhouse.
5. I've sung in choir competitions.
6. I've lost my cool.
7. I've stayed up all night long reading.
8. I've been chased down by a drunken man with a bottle in the ghetto.
9. I've sled down Swartz Creek Hill.
10. I've witnessed a completely nude man jogging along the ocean's shoreline. Bouncing... Ick.
11. I've gazed into the cotton fields of my ancestors.
12. I've dislocated my knee cap.
13. I've been beaten up by a bully.
14. I've been told that "boys will be boys" ... I will never use that phrase.
15. I've rode an elephant.
16. I've listened to 45's
17. I've slept in an actual haunted house.
18. I've started a bonfire.
19. I've given birth, twice.
20. I've been in the hospital on New Years Eve. Once in 2004 and 2 years later in 2006.
21. I've been labeled as a ballet school drop out.
22. I've felt blah.
23. I've been set up.
24. I've been told I was in the devil's pocket.
25. I've shown my breasts for a free drink.
26. I've seen the blue angels.
27. I've made up a rap song (co-authored by my brother). It was entirely made out of cuss-words.
28. I've consumed goats milk.
29. I've eaten Ostrich.
30. I've missed a flight due to partying all. night. long...
31. I've built a tree house.
32. I've felt awkward.
33. I've choreographed dances.
34. I've consumed the best fried chicken ever from a gas station in Arkansas.
35. I've given up playing a sport due to team politics.
36. I've gotten married.
37. I've had 8 different pets in my lifetime; 6 when I was a child.
38. I've assisted with giving a pregnant cow a ultrasound.
39. I've stalked someone (and that person stalked me right back. It was a mutual stalking)
40. I've picked strawberries with contempt in my heart.
41. I've had bloody noses.
42. I've been rejected.
43. I've written for the Flint Journal.
44. I've seized the day.
45. I've lied.
46. I've told the truth.
47. I've paced around a widow's walk.
48. I've seen a ghost.
49. I've voted.
50. I've long to be born in the past.
51. I've had my heart torn apart.
52. I've been proposed to... twice.
53. I've made a mistake.
54. I've had a panic attack.
55. I've talked in my sleep.
56. I've bounced on an in-ground trampoline.
57. I've been nicknamed.
58. I've seen a therapist.
59. I've road tripped with my best friend.
60. I've had a third set of teeth removed.
61. I've picked a signature drink.
62. I've met Cedric the Entertainer.
63. I've been scouted for modeling.
64. I've used Xanax.
65. I've been jealous.
66. I've gambled.
67. I've played euchre all night long.
68. I've met my soul mate.
69. I've acted in plays.
70. I've square danced.
71. I've built a shrine to Robert Plant in my bedroom.
72. I've watched Dirty Dancing thousands of times.
73. I've been confirmed in faith.
74. I've prayed on a rosary.
75. I've inhaled.
76. I've got in a car with absolutely no direction but ended up in a place I needed to be.
77. I've been told that I'm blind without correction.
78. I've refused to wear my glasses for an entire year.
79. I've contemplated taking my life.
80. I've been in a roll over car accident.
81. I've felt the water spray from Niagara Falls.
82, I've fainted.
83. I've run my fingers through a water fall.
84. I've been on a cruise.
85. I've been told that I have a lot of heart, but no talent.
86. I've been camping in a too small tent.
87. I've been seen Janet Jackson in concert.
88. I've been wine tasting.
89. I've stood atop castle rock.
90. I've kissed batman.
91. I've battled with ppd.
92. I've ridden on a train.
93. I've acted in fear.
94. I've had dreams come true.
95. I've met someone for the first time, but felt like I've known them forever.
96. I've baked with my bambinos.
97. I've met the head of the Franciscan monks.
98. I've snorkeled.
99. I've skinny dipped in the Orient Bay.
100. I've run on long country roads.

...

This list was inspired (quite some time ago) by the enchanting and talented Emily of Keeping Time. I began writing it months ago but kept getting stuck on the utterly mundane moments. This list was hard to write up, but I think I've come up with some compelling adventures in my lifetime. Maybe I will write some of these up in a post or two, but one thing is for sure... I can't wait to add the next 100 escapades.

Scavenger Hunt Sunday... on Monday.

{Beneath your feet}

Green green grass, water from the hose, and lots of bubbles all day long.

{Capturing movement}

Trying so hard to capture the onslaught of bubbles. ha!

{Texture}

I love my frayed shorts. 

{Facing your fears}

Facing your fears takes a lot of heart and a just a little courage.

{Currently}

Feeling like this butterfly... head deep into pollen {achoo!!!} 

...

For more Scavenger Hunt Sunday shots visit Ashley Sisk at Ramblings and Photos.

Freedom

Freedom is a word that I
don't take for granted and is
a synonym for the word drive.

The ambitious military men and women
Their passion, a fire- and I'm transfixed
to the blue centered spark of undying
loyalty to freedom. Mine and yours
forever in their resolute quest to
protect the land of the free
the home of the brave- FREEDOM.

We enjoy the ride because they paved
the way. Thank you. Thank you.
From the bottom of my heart

Thank you.

...


Six Word Friday

The dearly depatred dream

The sounds are different but they are the same. Instead of staring at a blank white screen, slightly hypnotized by the pressure to write; I have crisp recycled college ruled paper to ink up. And where I once captured life with my lens; I have been more intentional by living within the moment instead of simply documenting it. Life was meant to be lived wholly, intentionally. I found myself a spectator which filled my heart with shame.

So I've stopped. I'm living in the moment. And it feels good.

This time spent in physical activity has turned me on to a completely different way of documentation. I'm leaving a print on the soul of the earth of my children. When they hear the click of a camera it surprises them now. When did it ever become so much a part of life when it should have just been a tool?

I started to pick up a pen and write long-hand more often as well. With writing the words instead of blindly typing I began to see what my lens could not.

I know that any photographer worth their salt picks up their camera to document and practice their art several times a day. Some of the best photographers almost always have their camera accessible to them at any time, any where, any second something magical could be captured and distributed.

But I'm not a professional.

My decision has been to put that dream aside for something more practical and profitable. I can't keep a passion once I'm paid for it. That is just my opinion. The business side of photography was too much for me. Not that I even tried, but I have a style, and a personal taste for photography. There are some who love what I take pictures of and then there are others that think I can do something different. My art is uncompromisable. I want to be authentic and I'm not sure I can do that if I'm being paid to take pictures. Does that make sense?

So it is on pause right now. I'm still building a portfolio, but it is for personal reasons more than professional ones at this point in my life. And the camera isn't always at my side.

...

I don't know what my dreams are are anymore.

I'm not stating this for pity or encouragement.

My life is full. My heart is even fuller. My bambinos take up all my time and any extra time I have I spend it on things that fulfill my creative need to produce. The deficit of any real dream leaves me a little empty though. I don't know quite how to describe it. I guess its like having a full dozen eggs in a carton but one is cracked just a smidgeon; and inside that one egg, it is empty for the yolk has drained out.

I have goals. There are so many goals that I have yet to accomplish.

Invariably whenever the statement- Oh you will have a full time kindergartener and first grader is brought up; I hear: "What are you going to do with all of your time?"  Which is a valid question. And I have an answer, but when the question is asked on more than one occasion and that question is asked in almost accusatory tone (as if the job of motherhood isn't credible) then it becomes an insult.

And I've been insulted a couple times by a couple different people. And it has hurt. Even though I have been able to be a duck, not a sponge.

My strong chin is up. I know what I need to do to accomplish the goals that I have set out for myself.

And along the way...

Maybe a new dream will drift my way.
 

...

SHARE!

A simple word.

A picture.

A poem.

prose

list

LIVE!

to the fullest,

reflect on your

blessings.

CAPTURE!

each lingering moment,

harvest them

and 

Share them.

 & 

Encourage Others.

That is what Bigger Picture Moments is all about.

...

Link up with Hyacynth today! 

Please be sure to link to your post, not your blog. Your post must link back here or have our button in your post or the link will be deleted.

My light and airy moving cloud

Three pieces of crumbled up paper; ten different leading sentences, and I still don't know what I want to say about Dom's preschool graduation. He has grown up almost too fast, my baby. Although he isn't my baby anymore. But I remember vividly, like it was yesterday, cradling him my arms; rocking and bouncing and singing Beautiful Boy*."Before you go to sleep, Say a little prayer, Every day in every way, It's getting better and better, Beautiful, Beautiful, beautiful, Beautiful Boy" And at the end I would replace his little nickname- Domo.

As a toddler, Dom was most like the fluffy white clouds on a clear blue spring day. Full of promise, light and airy; he floated along effortlessly. His humor swayed back and forth like branches in the breeze, and the leaves rustling, sounded like the constant stir of laughter in our happy home. He was always full of jokes! Always loud and vivacious. Always the entertainer, the scholar, the seeker of fun answers.

He was old enough and ready for preschool at the age of three, but I was selfish. I wanted my little ray of light home with me to teach and learn from for one more year. Besides, I knew that there would be all the time in the world for school later on in his life.

So instead of school, Dom and I learned lessons from within our little world. We went on walks, we talked, and talked, and talked. The gift of gab was given to him just like it was given to me. There were so many words, so many thoughts and so many ideas shared. It was hard to get him to stop sometimes. And most of the time I didn't mind. We cut and pasted. We made artsy messes. He played fearlessly and I fretted constantly. But we lived in the sky with our feet on the ground and I was so very happy.

The summer before Dom turned four is well documented here on my little ole blog. It was a fantastically fun summer. There was so much discovery, and so much change. But just like the little cloud he is; he just kept on floating around easily and I basked in his easy boyish ways.

We signed Dom up at the preschool that we were originally going to send Bean to so I was familiar with the program. Dom met his scheduled teacher. He was so excited! I liked her method of teaching, but I didn't spend much time observing her style. I thought they would make a good fit. She was my age, calm and collected, and fun as well.

But in August we received a letter with Dominic's new assigned teacher's name and short bio. I was concerned. She was so young, so green, so not anything like me. I'll be honest, I had second thoughts, but Dom wanted and needed school so badly that I went with the flow.

That was, by the way, the single best decision I've made so far for my Dominic.

I was so very wrong about this new teacher. Not only was she like the sun in the sky to Dom's little white cloud, she was full of enriching lightness. All year long, day after day, Dom absolutely loved going to school. He missed it when he had days off and when he was sick he was like a little thunder-cloud without his classroom.

He thrived under the rays of curiosity, and answers. His personality, which was already big, became bigger than life. At home I would get questions from him that I couldn't even answer, and that we looked up together.

It was clear that he adored his teacher. It was also clear that the feeling was mutual.

About mid-way through the school year I heard a rumor that "starting next year, kindergarten would have a full day of learning instead of half a day." At the time I simply couldn't wrap my heart or mind around the idea. I had to push it way back.

I thought I had one more year to spend with my bambino at home, half of the day.

I was wrong.

And this is where I seem to stop and become silent. This is where my words choke inside of me. And this is also something I haven't been able to write about. Because if I write it out then it becomes even more real.

My little preschool graduate will be going to kindergarten next year... full time.

And I know it isn't a big deal, but it is... to me.

...

The last two weeks of preschool were fun. Dom was on antibiotics and couldn't be brought down from the sky high feelings of excitement he had. I am so very proud of every accomplishment that he has earned.

The night before the last day of preschool I surprised myself by not crying, but I more than made up for the lack of tears the next day.

In one year, that went by way to fast if you ask me, Dom has learned so much. I credit his strength in character and sometimes his stubbornness, but I also credit his teacher that really and truly did help light his way. The day before the last day of preschool Dom and I went shopping for a present for her. We choose a lighthouse that held a tealight inside and candles with the smell of the sea. Dom was excited about the little tea lights that smelled like the ocean. And I was thrilled because even though she may never know it; she was a beacon in the vast waters of learning and Dom is a precious gift that that I would do anything for.

...

Today, I am sitting on my back porch. It is the first day of summer vacation for Dom. He is sitting right next to me coloring in his spiderman activity book in the brilliant morning sun. There is birdsong, and a cooler breeze that lifts the hair off the back of our necks. In twenty more minutes Dom and I will have to pick up the Bean from the bus stop.

There will be a hot lunch served and then play time on the swing set. It is supposed to storm so I think a trip to the library is in order and if it clears up then there will be t-ball and dinner and stories before bed time. There is a lot of time. Time is as vast as the sky above and some days I feel like we have all the time in the world.

But today... Today as I sit with my soon-to-be-kindergartner in the fresh late Spring air... Time feels as if it is simply just slipping away.

I know there is plenty of time. I know it deep within my bones.

But why does it feel, to me, like time is a moving cloud and I'm a tree firmly planted but bending in the breeze?

...

*lyric from the song Beautiful Boy by John Lennon